Q:
My girlfriend and I have been dating for 6 months. My girlfriend came out last year (we are both in our 30s). We have a great relationship — great sex, solid communication, compatibility, etc.
But every time she talks about her first love, it makes me uneasy. She reverently talks about cuddling in the dark with her close female friends while watching SNL each week. This person is important to her.
A friend of hers came out a few years ago and is married to another woman. When I asked her girlfriend if she wanted to be with me, she replied: She’s married to her; she’s not an option. Admittedly this is not the answer I want. My girlfriend doesn’t keep in regular contact with this old friend and hasn’t come out yet. My instincts tell me this is an unrequited love. When I ask her why she hasn’t come out yet, she doesn’t answer.
To add insult to injury, I once asked my girlfriend what her type was. I looked up this girl on social media and it accurately describes her. As an unadjusted artsy woman of average height, I measured myself against this girl and fell short (both literally and figuratively).
The question I want to ask my girlfriend is, “If your friend and I were both single, which would you choose?” I don’t want to be a choice. My girlfriend is definitely my first choice. why not?
A:
oh baby This situation is terrible. Foreshadowing, I think you and your girlfriend should break up. But it’s painful to hear the first news on her third day of the new year, so before that, make yourself a cup of tea, grab a warm blanket, snuggle up on the couch, and take a deep breath. I’ll elaborate on what’s going on here. I will also add tea. See you soon.
wow, ok. Hi. Like I said, I’m sorry you dealt with this. pain! It hurts my feelings so much if I ask her what her type is and she doesn’t describe me, or worse, about a friend who seems to have a crush. Feeling like you’re someone’s second choice, especially if you’re the first choice, is very disgusting. I spent some time reading this question and trying to find out that everyone (you and your partner) might do things differently, but I ended up with this very simple sentiment: I was. When you say, “Don’t I deserve to be her number one pick,” the answer is a heartfelt, absolutely, unequivocal yes.
When I first read your question, I realized I was asking my own question. How often does your girlfriend go out?How often does she talk to this old friend?Do you both post about the relationship on her social media? If so, shouldn’t you assume that he knows your girlfriend is gay even if he hasn’t officially come out yet? Have you ever been insecure about relationships in the past? Have you ever thought about attachment theory? (Admittedly, I am projecting the last line of the question — I am not a therapist and do not offer a diagnosis. Thanks for the tool. and managed my own intrusive anxious thoughts!) But the more time I spent asking these questions, the more I came to the conclusion that they weren’t that important.
The point is that you feel insecure about your partnership with your girlfriend. So you need to go somewhere safe or break up. And I’m personally not inclined to put the hard work it takes to overcome feeling like a girlfriend’s second choice into a relationship that’s only six months old. But you wrote to me asking for advice. I imagine myself sitting on my blue velvet couch offering advice over a cup of tea with a dear friend. Here is the advice I give.
It’s not because she’s bad! Not because you’re worried, overreacting or not overreacting, or other weeds can get in. But part of the magical, sparkly, unbeatable joy of being in love or being in a relationship with someone is because it feels like you’re choosing them. : No reservationSomehow, that’s not the feeling you’re experiencing here. Sometimes we make up stories that confuse our emotions, but sometimes our intuition warns us. It seems to me that the latter is happening in your case.
I want to tell you about a time when I ignored my intuition. I was once dating someone I loved very much who wasn’t the right person for me. And I had a very hard time making our relationship work. I think she had a hard time making it work, too.we both I wanted be right with each other. Still, we weren’t. But being a good queer I went to therapy and read books on attachment theory, I was embracing the idea that relationships were work. that is true. But my therapist was challenging me every week. When I showed up for the session, I cried some more about how awful my partner’s behavior was making me feel and how I’ve been working so hard and nothing has changed. “Vanessa, relationships are work, but they shouldn’t be. this hardI didn’t really understand what she meant until I broke up with my ex. May the goddess bless us both. Then I met her current partner who would become my wife.yes my relationship with my fiancée teeth Work – I wasn’t entirely wrong about it.Of course all relationships that is Work — but I now understand my therapist. not difficultAnd even when we struggle in difficult moments, we don’t struggle over whether we should be together. That is easy. it is known. We chose each other unconditionally and are In It Together. it is clear and true. All the work that surrounds us is manageable because we do it. togetherThe panic, anxiety, or distrust in my last relationship wasn’t something I overreacted to, it was just the horrible way we feel in our bodies when we ignore our intuition.
You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who enthusiastically, proudly, and obviously chooses you every day. can sharply and wisely point out, her past significant relationships with someone who is no longer available as an option for her to date or be together romantically. Six months isn’t really that long at all.That way, both you and your girlfriend can get back out there and find someone who can do relationship work with you in a way that is manageable, fun, and feels like. No this hard.
I don’t want you to feel like a runner-up. You don’t have to ask your girlfriend to figure out what to do here. You just have to ask yourself what is right for you, and then choose for yourself. I want you to start 2023 like your number one pick. That way, when the right person shows up, you too can be ready and confident to be her number one choice.
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